April 12, 2021

24 “Other” Questions I Would Ask E.T.

silly aliens

Twenty Four “Other” Questions I Would Ask E.T.

Whether a skeptic or a believer, few would disagree that making contact with an intelligent species other than our own would be a defining moment in human history. What that non-human life form might be, where (or when) they come from, and a million other questions would surely be posed by us curious humans, and in some cases it may take generations to fully comprehend the answers.

Are there other species out there? 

Are there travelers from other times and dimensions living right alongside our own? 

Does God exist? 

Is life all a simulation? 

Will you save us?

Our curiosity seemingly knows no bounds, and I have little doubt that any such Extraterrestrial visitor, regardless of space-time origin, could spend an entire human lifetime simply responding to our endless queries and hardly make a dent in the big list. Still, as I pondered which questions would make the top of humanity’s list, with the handful above a mere sampling, I also realized that I personally might have some questions that would never be a part of any serious inquiry, regardless of the time this hypothetical visitor had to answer them.

Therefore, since it is entirely possible that any such life form might be a super advanced AI that is capable of absorbing the entirety of the Earth’s internet and analyzing it in a veritable blink-of-an-eye, I thought I’d go ahead and list them anyway. Admittedly, I am an average, everyday idiot, and should rightly leave any serious questions to scientists, theologians, philosophers and historians. But, I am also equally curious as any of the trained thinkers listed above, and gosh dangit, I have questions too!

So, at the risk of making mockery of such a serious, potentially life changing mystery as to the history, origin and motives of the first non-human intelligence we may one day encounter, I nonetheless have listed them here. 

Therefore, if you are an ultra-advanced, super intelligent AI, a genius from the future, or any other non-human visitor capable of scanning and understanding the length and breadth of all written human communication, then here are my questions. Do with them what you will.

How were the pyramids built?

This is one that would probably make the list above, but given the many historic links to other worldly beings in our ancient writings, and the glaring lack of explanation of how these (and other) massive petroglyphs around the globe were made, I’d want to start here.

Is there any evidence of past construction on Mars, or are all of the photos being hocked by conspiracy theorists simple hogwash?

Seriously. From The Pyramids of Cydonia to the Mars face, I find the guys who peddle this stuff online particularly smarmy. Using the human tendency toward pareidolia (seeing shapes that aren’t there) to sell ideas that you cannot prove, but get you tons of lecture dates and book sales, just rubs me the wrong way.

You guys don’t really talk to Steven Greer, do you?

Don’t get me wrong, I was a huge fan of the guy like 20 years ago and his accomplishments are irrefutable, but if these visitors have been doing CE-5 with Greer all this time and I keep making fun of it, I guess I should know. (Hint: He’s not, and they’re not)

Who shot J.R.?

I was alive when this happened, and still think the answer was nonsense.

Did humans walk on the moon in 1969?

I am highly confident we did, but also admit that those who don’t believe might be persuaded by someone other than their fellow humans. And if we didn’t, that would be something I think E.T. would know.

Was Roswell a real, “off-world vehicle” crash?

Again, one that would make the ‘big’ list, but this sets up my real question…

If Roswell was a real crash, is there a monument wherever the killed vehicle’s occupants came from honoring that tragic day?

This is something I have wondered about forever. I mean, if there have been crashes, and ‘alien’ bodies have been recovered, then wouldn’t that event be treated as a tragedy on the planet/dimension/temporal plane the visitors came from? Seriously. They flew here, crashed and died, and are now part of humanity’s culture, history and lore? If that doesn’t get you a statue on Trappist-1e, then what does?

Do you guys own a flying breath mint, or is that thing ours?

And if so, can I ride in it?

Do you abduct humans, and if so, will you accept recommendations as to whom should be abducted in the future?

My list is short, but at least one ex-girlfriend and one ex-president would make great pets on Alpha Centauri. Just sayin’.

Kirk or Picard?

They have to have an opinion, right?

Star Wars or Star Trek?

Same idea. (And if they say “Dr. Who”, they can take their Tartarus and fly right back to the future)

Friedman or Tsoukalos?

Say the second one, I dare ya!

Paper or plastic?

Ok, I admit now I’m just being dumb.

Do you have copies of all of the old TV shows?

In the original days of television, all programs ran live. Most of those shows have been lost to history, with only a handful surviving in the form of Kinescopes. If they’ve been watching (and recording) our every move for millennia, then they have to have all of the original Honeymooners on tape, right? How about Wilt’s 100 point game?

Einstein was one of you, right?

I think we all know the answer to this one.

Was Oumuamua a probe or a rock?

And what do you think of the name ‘Oumuamua’ for a dog?

What name do you have for our planet?

Wait, let me guess. Dummyville? Wet Spot Near Uranus? Warmongeria? House of Doom?

What name do you have for our species?

Lazy Killer Ants? Murder Monkeys? Ugly Bags of Mostly Water?

How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

My guess is seven, but I’m open.

Do you have someone on your planet that is good with Wi-Fi?

Cause mine sucks.

What planet is Joel Griffin Dodd from?

Time to fess up, dude.

How long before we destroy ourselves?

I’m not going to do anything about it if you tell me, I just want to win a bet with an annoyingly optimistic friend.

Can you guys make a Reeses Peanut Butter cup with no calories?

This should probably have been my first question.

If you are from the future, can you tell me if anyone actually laughs at this dumb article?

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I know the answer already, but if you could let me know now, I could go back to watching Ellen.

Chris is a former stand-up comedian, current fantasy and sci-fi novelist, and also writes about science fact from time to time. You can learn about Chris’ books at plainfiction.com, or follow him on Twitter @plain_fiction. If you are an alien who is willing to answer these questions, Chris’ DM’s are open.